Wednesday, October 15, 2008


The flight to puberty was as shaky as my flight to Manila a month ago. The first bouts of acne break out, the oily skin and the awkward phase. It also took longer than I've ever hoped it would. But as Mulan's father said, the blossom that blooms the latest is the most beautiful of them all. When I finally got out of my (fugly) shell, it shocked everyone I know.

The geek. The sidekick. The girl from planet Erko.

That was me then.

The wind of change indeed. You're lucky if it blows you in the right direction. And you gotta thank the genius behind lip gloss and blush on.

Me revamped. repackaged. Former geek to teen queen. From spectacles to contact lenses. From oil magnate to boy magnet.

But with the physical change came with a sudden and tremendous blow in my academic life. My pursue for excellence diminished. Peer pressure was inevitably strong. I learned things which I otherwise would, had I stuck to my old, plain jane self. Party was my nirvana and I no longer took refuge in books. Sad to say, my acquaintance with the hairbrush, lip gloss and blush on has turned me into a regular airhead. A blonde if you may. I craved for attention. I hungered for what men can give me: the constant validation of my attractiveness to the opposite sex. Yes, I flirted. I learned to seduce. I learned to appreciate and crave for beauty and the evils it brings.

Teen dream to wild child. My college life. A plethora of post highschool teen angst and drama.

I have finally succumbed to my youthful vanity and raging hormones which eventually took a toll on my once untainted reputation. If my family finds out, I'll be forever caged. A penance I must pay for my budding immorality. And so, I learned to live in duality. To abandon my demons at our doorstep and assume the once immaculate school girl persona I have lived for almost all my life.

The rise and fall of the Urban princess. The closet rebel.

It was one heart ache after another. And the last one got me spiralling down like a fighter jet about to crash. I let loose. I partied harder. Vices became my closest friends. And I blamed it all to the last person who broke my heart. By then I thought I have exacted my revenge by breaking out. But I have only brought shame upon myself, vindicating further my worthlessness as a woman.

Young and foolish...

Fast forward to present... me in my mid 20's... reminiscing... Reliving the past. Pondering on the should've's would'ves and could'ves. My wild child days has come to an end. My demons and my catholic school girl persona has finally come in to truce. Looking at myself now, I asked myself. had I changed for the better? Maybe I have. Maybe I haven't. But one thing's for sure. I changed.

For most part, I have regretted the things I did back then. But a part of me was a bit glad I went through all that. It might have been good for me anyway.

Time can change me, but I can't change time.

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